105+ Funny Valentine’s Day Quotes

"All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." — Charles M. Schulz

"I love you more than coffee, but please don’t make me prove it." — Elizabeth Evans

"Love is fun but, it is not going to pay the bills." — Jessica Martin

"The four most important words in any marriage. I’ll do the dishes."

"When you’re in love, it’s the most glorious two-and-a-half days of your life." — Richard Lewis

"A person in love partly becomes a poet, a composer and the corniest person in the room."

"The great question which I have not been able to answer… is, “What does a woman want? — Freud

"Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from." — Nora Ephron

“Without Valentine’s Day, February would be…well, January.” — Jim Gaffigan, Comedian

"If you text ‘I love you’ to a person and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back." — Chelsea Peretti

"Where love is the case, the doctor is an ass." — English Proverb

"My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on. — Joan Rivers (RIP)

“Gravitation can’t be held responsible for people falling in love.” — Albert Einstein

"I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough." — Russell Brand

"To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful."

"You are the pain in my butt, the dent in my wallet and the scratches in my brand new car that I don’t mind."

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in." — Richard Jeni

"I’m now making a Jewish porno film. Ten percent sex, 90 percent guilt." — Henny Youngman

"True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked." — Erich Segal

"True love is singing karaoke ‘Under Pressure’ and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." — Mindy Kaling

"Love doesn’t drop on you unexpectedly; you have to give off signals, sort of like an amateur radio operator." — Helen Gurley Brown

"The Venn diagram of boys who don’t like smart girls and boys you don’t wanna date is a circle.” — John Green

"I want to be your sweet good morning, your lovely good night and your most painful goodbye."

"You’re just like bacon, beer, and chocolate – you make everything better."

"Love is a lot like a backache; it doesn’t show up on X-rays, but you know it’s there." — George Burns

"Marry a man your own age; as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight." — Phyllis Diller

"Love is not having to hold in your farts anymore." — Bree Luckey

"Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!" — Jay Leno

"Marriage does not only require you to deal with expenses and the toilet seat, but you also have to deal with feelings and the last resort, the lawyers."

“Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm… easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” — Michael Scott, The Office

"My mind works great wonder 365 days a year, 7 days a week and 24 hours a day until I met you."

"I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met." — Steven Wright

"Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you’re offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone’s feelings." — David Sedaris

"I wasn’t kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth." — Chico Marx

"I had a dream that I still loved you. I think I woke up screaming."

"Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.121. Love is like finding a needle in a haystack." — FaithHopeNLove

"Marriage is like vitamins: we supplement each other’s minimum daily requirements." — Kathy Mohnke

"You will always be my 11:11 and the name I write in my naughty list."

"I'd kiss a frog even if there was no promise of a Prince Charming popping out of it. I love frogs." — Cameron Diaz

"You’re just like bacon, beer, and chocolate – you make everything better."

"My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked, and now she’s afraid of the light." — Rodney Dangerfield

"Love is telling someone that his zipper is open or her wig looks too fake."

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." — Jackie Mason

"Love is sharing your popcorn." — Charles Schultz

"I like perfume and flowers." — Donatella Versace

"Women love a self-confident bald man." — Larry David

"Love with old men is as the sun upon the snow, it dazzles more than it warms." — J. P. Senn

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in." — Richard Jeni

"What’s the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday." — Cindy Garner

"Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties." — Jules Renard

"Love is a mutual self-giving which ends in self-recovery." — Fulton J. Sheen

"My brother is gay, and my parents don’t care, as long as he marries a doctor." — Elayne Boosler

“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?” — Lily Tomlin

"I want someone who will pause his game just to answer my call."

"Staying in love for more than 5 years is almost impossible. Staying in love with the same person for you’re the rest of your life is a miracle."

"The key to a successful relationship is to clear your internet history." — Quoteistan

"A man who correctly guesses a woman`s age may be smart, but he’s not very bright." — Lucille Ball

"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." — Lynda Barry

"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." — Agatha Christie

"We’re like Romeo & Juliet...except for the dying part of course." — Justina

"You’re the cheese on top of my spaghetti, the cream on top of my frappuccino and the cheesecake on my red velvet cake."

"Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you’d be surprised at the large number that re-enlists." — James Garner

“Between lovers, a little confession is a dangerous thing.” – Helen Rowland "During my days, the teenagers talk about movies, music, and love. Now, all the kids talk about are sex, relationship, and heartbreak."

"I love you so much I’d fight a bear for you. Well, not a grizzly bear because they have claws, and not a panda bear because they know Kung Fu. But a carebear, I’d definitely fight a carebear for you."

"He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle." — Ring Lardner

"Love is the answer, but while you’re waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions." — Woody Allen

“Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.” — H. L. Mencken

"My wife gets all the money I make. I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning."— Ray Romano

"A kiss without a mustache is like an egg without salt." — Spanish Proverb

"What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? About 30 pounds." — Cindy Garner

"Girls cry their eyes out until they are dry, while boys drink their beers until their mugs are all dried up."

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place." — Billy Crystal

"Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them." — Bill Maher

"Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest." — Professor Irwin Corey

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot." — Groucho Marx

"My phone battery lasts longer than most of my relationships nowadays. Valentine's Day is the biggest single day of the year, the biggest sale day of the year." — Jacques Torres

"Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner." — Jerry Seinfeld

"Love is an electric blanket with somebody else in control of the switch." — Cathy Carlyle

"Romantic love is mental illness. But it’s a pleasurable one." — Fran Lebowitz

"Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning a handspring or eating with chopsticks; it looks easy until you try it."

"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."— Katherine Mansfield

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you’re in." — Richard Jeni

"Look, there's no metaphysics on earth like chocolates." — Fernando Pessoa

"My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don’t really know me." — Garry Shandling

"If love is a blunder, then it means that the biggest fault in my life is loving you."

“The thing about Valentine’s day is that people discover who are single and who to feel jealous of.” — Faye Morgan

“You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.” — Henny Youngman

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." — Groucho Marx

"I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself." — Johnny Carson

"It wasn't love at first sight. It took a full five minutes. — Lucille Ball

"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell." — Joan Crawford

"Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?"

"You are the cause of why my eyeglasses fog."

"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools." — Katherine Mansfield

"Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are." — Will Ferrell

"Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener." — Pauline Thomason

"Love is a sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock." — Jewish Proverb

"If you text ‘I love you’ to a person, and the person writes back an emoji — no matter what that emoji is, they don’t love you back." — Chelsea Peretti

"It probably not loves if you don’t press your face to the toilet seat after they’ve used it to feel their warmth." — Rob Delaney

“You’re never alone on Valentine’s Day if you’re near a lake and have bread.” — Mike Primavera

"Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses." — Thomas Dewar

"Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood." — Oscar Wilde

"The Eskimos had fifty-two names for snow because it was important to them: there ought to be as many for love." — Margaret Atwood

Whether you're boo'd up or single, have a lovely Valentine's Day. Treat your significant other, but don't forget yourself.

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